::Ginky::

2002-10-26T19:19:00.000-07:00

+++Lorah is going threw a meltdown.II I III II

I wish I could speak of what I feel these past days,but those stupid morrons didn't write enough words in the dictionnary to express what my soul actually sees and cries about...It's so frustrating that I can't tell other ppl what I really mean,it's like some idiot came in and stapled my mouth shut with permanant sharp pointed standard staples.

So I have found a new way to tell the world about those feelings; threw my little manga strips, I've made one already named "X girlfriend" it's about 12 pages long or should I say 12 pages short ,and although I didn't force myself much on that piece,I must admit that it is one of the works I shall safely keep,instead of throwing it out carelessly in the bin.I like it when ppl tell me it's good,it's as if they're telling me that it's okay to hurt sometimes.I'm trying to acknowledge ppls complement's now,though it's hard~With my soul full of mistrust and paranoiia~It's kinda hard.

My friend M-- is frustrating me more and more,at first I didn't pay much attention to his stupid comments since he is known to be like that within his nature,but bouncingsnarlets! He snaps at anything I say.He perverts my words and always tries to read between my lines and inserting negative views and suggests mean things.Now one who knows him well would just say it's just his *black humour* but I think that this time he's really pushing it one step too far.
I can't have a normal conversation about stuff I did without him nagging me about why he wasn't invited and how I probably convinced everyone not to invite him and that it's my responsibility to give him a call when were about to go out.

Okay number one::If I ask him to go out to the movies,he'll probably shoot his lame *Sorry,no can do;I'm playing a computer game agaist this other dude*just like he did when I invited him to my birthday.(Guess what?he got mad at me because I didn't convince him good enough to come at my birthday)

Number two::He never gave me his phone number,ever!So how can I call him up ,when my friends and I make last minute plans?

Number three::I don't know him all that well,sometimes I go to the movies with some ppl who he himself claim to be his *good buddies since primary school*,yet they don't even call him up!It's more their responsability to call him than mine,no?

Well he could shove a whaw whaw pedal up his arse,him and his accusations.

2002-10-04T06:32:00.000-07:00

At school again,it`s friday and I`m bored as hell.Ugh.

2002-09-11T13:53:00.000-07:00

hello

2002-09-06T14:14:00.000-07:00

I've changed website ,i'll give put my new address here eventually.

2002-09-06T13:03:00.000-07:00

Who's your Pucca Character? Take the quiz! Brought to you by Lovepucca.net!

2002-09-05T12:03:00.000-07:00

I think I may change my website url ,get a new one ya know...Just thinking though .

2002-09-05T06:01:00.000-07:00

Im at school now .

2002-09-03T14:23:00.000-07:00

The way that you
Embrace me with your strong and powerful arms
Your haunting words
Keep me close
To everything about you
Romantic in ways
In ways that almost tear upon my heart
Can't let you go
Don't you know
A captive in your gentle hands
A prisoner of your soulful eyes
Your special smile
We'll never part
If the morning sun should free me
It really wouldn't let me go
I'd still be caught inside your love
Can't rise above
The chains of your heart

2002-09-03T14:02:00.000-07:00

I saw a picture on this so called *neat picture site* and I don't think it's neat...A dead moose getting his head chopped off by an axe .Yurk!

2002-09-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

I never ever made a friend at Jean Coutu's...

2002-09-03T13:53:00.000-07:00

If only knew what I was thinking...If only I knew what he was thinking...If only I knew what I was thinking .

2002-09-03T13:33:00.000-07:00

Once again ,my family is invited to another wedding ,due in 2004,yep and they are sending a mercedes to get us ,cus the stupid idiot rich ppl want to show how rich they are to impress the family by having a mercede only wedding .How dump and superficial ,guess my family is going to be bored at my wedding...

2002-09-01T12:33:00.000-07:00

Which X/1999 characters are you?

Quiz made by Chesa

2002-09-01T11:21:00.000-07:00

Paranoid
Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships with others. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant to others. They usually shift blame to others and tend to carry long grudges.

Antisocial
A common misconception is that antisocial personality disorder refers to people who have poor social skills. The opposite is often the case. Instead, antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. They tend to lie and steal. Often, they are careless with money and take action without thinking about consequences. They are often agressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others.

Avoidant
Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. They are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidant people yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.

Obsessive-Compulsive
Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder is similar to obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder. People with this disorder are overly focused on orderliness and perfection. Their need to do everything "right" often interferes with their productivity. They tend to get caught up in the details and miss the bigger picture. They set unreasonably high standards for themselves and others, and tend to be very critical of others when they do not live up to these high standards. They avoid working in teams, believing others to be too careless or incompetent. They avoid making decisions because they fear making mistakes and are rarely generous with their time or money. They often have difficulty expressing emotion.

2002-09-01T11:16:00.000-07:00

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

2002-09-01T10:48:00.000-07:00

I'm just a girl

Yes I'm some kinda freak

cause they all stare with their eyes

I'm just a girl ,my apologies

take a good look at me

just your typical prototype

I'm just a girl ,that's all that you'll let me be

I've had it up to here

2002-09-01T10:34:00.000-07:00

I'm a flaccidball flan kicker .

2002-08-31T11:33:00.000-07:00

You know whos cute? The guitarist in Sam Roberts ,that has puffy ,curly brown hair .

2002-08-31T11:28:00.000-07:00

If I had a giant metal needle I'd pop the sun on hot days like this ,but I'd need a giant pump also, to pump it up again on yucky days .

2002-08-30T11:59:00.000-07:00

You and me ,
We used to be

Well first day of school and here I am sitting back at home ,earlier than I was meant to be .Why?Because I was one lucky ducky,yes I happen to be one of few students that have received a retarded schedule with few holes* in it ( free periods ).So today I have no last period. May I add that strawberry is an impotent wishy washy,unsensitive selfish,insolent, week-minded straight-A a**hole that I do not appreciate very much.

Together everyday together ,always I really feel ,*I'm losing my best friend.*
I can't beleive this could be ,the end

As I walked back home alone I met a couple of students rushing back to school late,and when they saw me I think they thought the bell hasn't rung yet *It has* and they stopped running ...I guess They presumed that they had time seeing that I was in no rush ...Theyre gonna go into detention because of me.

It looks as though youre letting go
and if it's real ,well I don't want to know
Don't speak~I know just what youre saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
As we die~Both you and I~With my head in my hands-I sit and cry
It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending
Who we are ,you and me
I could see us dying
Are we?

2002-08-29T13:04:00.000-07:00

thank god for herbal essence !

2002-08-29T12:52:00.000-07:00

Why do we have to be inhibited ?

2002-08-29T08:41:00.000-07:00

If I were sendings vibes right now ,I think I'd be sending the *don't approach this girl because she is dangerously bored of life and it's contagious* vibes.

2002-08-28T17:16:00.000-07:00

I love you ,always forever

Some things are better left unsaid ,it's like if someone took off the band aid and scratched the scabs off your unhealed scar .It hurts .*Sigh.*

You and I ,closer together

I got one random picture to take ,that's left on my random camera .I shall make this one a good worthy one .

Near or far ,always better

I saw a chinese kid get grounded by his dad in chinese .It's quite a strange scene .I felt bad for the kid but what can I do?I've meddled in too many ppls lives already.

2002-08-28T14:26:00.000-07:00

::But tell me does she kiss like I used to kiss you::

I set my alarm clock to 7oclock this morning and I ended waking up at 7:40 ,I have holes in my schedule and so on my very first day of school I shall have no last period .Meaning that I could leave at 12:15 instead of 2:30 ,if I have a parents note which I will have .I rule .

::Does it feel the same when she calls your name::

It twas a hot day,
It twas a long day,
It twas a painful day,
It twas the first time my feet entered the school day.
I better not have a sweaty smelly boy beside my locker this year.(Or girl,but guy sweat has a somewhat stronger stench)

::Somewhere deep inside you must know I miss you::

I took pictures .Very random pictures .Of random things .In my random pictures .

2002-08-27T06:49:00.000-07:00

::Now I'm dreaming of you in my life::

I had a great dream yesterday *sigh* .I wish I could dream it everynight but if that were the case I'd probably sleep for the rest of my life and never wake up ...What was my dream?It was wonderful !

::Til tomorrow ,under the moonlight ::

I have to go to school tomorrow and get my papers and pictures taken ,yep fun fun .@ least it's not a real school day .School officially starts on friday for us ,and I'm in my last year of high school ,but I feel like I should be in sec 4 or somthing and I don't deserve to be in sec 5 for my lack of maturaty .Oye *o*,well I can't wait to get my schedule and it better be good ,not like last year when I had sciience every two days ,bleh .Bleh you science ,Bleem you to Hades !

2002-08-26T09:45:00.000-07:00

6.25 %

My weblog owns 6.25 % of me.
Does your weblog own you?

2002-08-25T14:16:00.000-07:00

happy birthday Corvette .

2002-08-25T11:38:00.000-07:00

Once again I thank Leena from the very bottom of my tiny heart for ruining Ian's life ,he used to be my religion teacher and he said Ro and Mel were bad influences on me ,he said I was depressed and the reason was my friends .I just ignored him but he got very annoyed and went out of his way to send me to the psychologist ,the psychologist didn't want to say who told on me ,but I knew already it was him ,he also did the same to Leena and well Leena has a little bit more guts and a bigger temper than I .

2002-08-25T09:39:00.000-07:00

I just came back from Van Houtte and Renee was working there ,poor her ;the clientele was crazy this morning...Isn't it sunday?Sunday=churchday=old ppl go there=no one at van Houtte in the morning??Anyway ,me Lowah ate three actually two pancakes and one half ,and there were bees in my syrop ,I wasn't quite shure what to do with them at first ,I was was like uh *well they do put coffee beans in theyre salt ,maybe the also put bees in theyre syrop* but then I though what about the ppl who are allergic to bees?This isn't right .Such dodo-brain I may be at such times !

The ice caps were quite good this morning!

2002-08-24T21:32:00.000-07:00

I seemed to have ruined my blogg ,yet again .

2002-08-24T10:37:00.000-07:00

Hey post in my guestmap ppl!!!Who needs guest books anyways????

2002-08-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

I'm reading Harry Potter et la coupe de feu ,it's the fourth one and I must say I like it very much ,why yes, yes I do indeed .It's a very big book andI like it's smell-Yes weird but true .I cannot accept any books that smell bad and good for me because none of my books smell bad and I've never come accross a bad smelling book .

Today my mother will meet a new client she is blind and will teach my mother some of the basic signs of sign language ,so that she could communicate with the little girl we will babysit for a couple of weeks or so .How cool is that?Very cool is what I would say .

2002-08-23T19:06:00.000-07:00

I thank Leena from the bottom of my heart for ruining Ian Gagnon's pathetic little life for me.Who is Ian Gagnon?Who cares ?

2002-08-23T18:06:00.000-07:00

::Days go by and still I think of you::

Well well ,I worked my ass off today ,by helping J with her template .I can't wait to see the results .My father was impressed and he was thinking of buying me html guides and books for codes .Yep I'm pretty impressed with myself,me who thought I sucked with computers !Anyways enough of that .My mom is sick and I bitched at her clients for being late and selfish .I was babysitting this kid who wouldn't stop crying ,but not really crying,more like the cry to annoy ppl ,you know the cry any spoiled kid knows .Anyways it was past four when it's father called to say that he was too tired to come and pick it up the damn child and that WE had to drive it home if we didn't want it.My brother called back to tell him to pick up and he was like *ugh no no I'm too tired ,I'm gonna die*so my brother hung up on the damn jerk. Then he called back making a deal that I would bring the kid halfway there meeting up with him .Well actually I met him more like 3/4 way there .Goddamn lazy father!

::Days when I couldn't live life without you::

I must say this *I hate from now on the 211 bus that goes towards the ouest* I hope it dies .

2002-08-23T07:26:00.000-07:00

Urg my eyes really hurt ,I just woke up ,I have a major headache,my lips are chappy *they always are* and my nose is bloked so whenever there's an *s's* in the words
I speak I pronounce them with *d's* instead .Anyways my day started awfully bad and I can't go back to bed cus I'm expecting two brats to come over at my house and my mom's not here to take care of them ,she doesn't really like them and she always finds a way to run away before they come .urg ,I ca't even go swim cus my neighboor is here .*I go swim at his pool whenever he's not there.*Oh I just did the laundry and I hope I did it right ,I just tossed everything in the dry cleaner *except the t-shirts* and most of the stuff were towels...So I put the little turning handle thingy on *towel* and I put three bouncy sheets ...I hope nothing shrinks ...Oh am I gonna be such a bad mother! Maybe I should marry a man who knows everything about cleaning clothes and cooking...Cus um I suck .

2002-08-22T07:01:00.000-07:00

new to you?

See the bandages? It represents recovering to me .Like when you have a booboo and you put a bandage on it so it could heal ?Anyways ,I've been suffering alot lately actually ,the whole summer ,and right now I'm *recovering from it* Get the drift?Huh?HUH?Oh ok ok i'll stop .So that's why I didn't do a powerpuff girl layout or a hello kitty backround .Instead I chose the stupid bandages over the my favorite cute cartoon charaters .At the start there was one band aid but I added two more ,cus I have more than one booboo and cus three is a cool number .

As for the title ,ginky .What does it mean ?I know it's very similar to a word in japenese writen *genki* I don't know what it means in japenese but some ppl told me it meant being gay or what not .No I didn't take it from that word, but ginky or ginkyness for me means crazy or crazyness because of the pills my dad takes that are called ginkgo .Well at the time I was really dumb and said *pills are for crazy ppl* ( yeah I know ,how dumb of me ! *class-A dumbass*)

Anyways enough of that ,I went to the doctor/psychologist yesterday and she said I was a real smart kid .Even though she might not of been honest with me *You know how doctors want to make their patients feel special?* It was nice to have a compliment like that .

2002-08-15T07:13:00.000-07:00

I WAS A GIFTED CHILD
i had my niche.
intelligent. creative. or artistic.
what kind of child were you?
(brought you by april)

2002-08-14T20:53:00.000-07:00

Hotaru no haka

That's japanese if you didn't know ,it means *the grave of the fireflies* it's an semi-autobiographical novel written by NOSAKA Akiyuki and made into anime by Takahata ,which I saw tonight .It's about a young orphaned boy and his little sister trying to make it in life during war agaisnt the americans i think * it' takes place in Kobe in 1945.* They end up living on theyre own and his little sister dies from malnutrition .I think that's where the title comes from ,from the fact that his little sister dies so young ,also because of one of her quotes after seeing the fireflies die in theyre shelter *Why do the fireflies die so quickly?* I guess Akiyuki wanted to make a link between the length of his sister's life and a fireflies life .

2002-08-13T14:36:00.000-07:00

green blood

I finally went to the hospital today ,I had to do some prelevements first .the goddamn line was so long and I got up so early I thought my feet were gonna give up on me .So there I was in line wobbling my way up, half asleep ,with a bunch of really old ppl breathing down my neck and looking at me like I'm some kinda idiot who's not suppose to be there *hey she's not old and none of her limbs are broken what the giddy god damn hell is she doing in our hospital? diggidy damn her !*
Then it took me two minutes to realise it was my turn .The lady took the alcool and rubbed it on my arm ,and she really insisted to spread some on my scars over and over again ,it was like she was gonna give me a needle all over my friggin arm!! Then she put some belt and started touching my arm and murmuring *where the hell is it?Sorry miss I can't seem to find ur vein* *The blue line on my arm you idiot.* When she finally found it ,she didn't only filled one vile but three .Then she she told me about the urine test ,and i don't wanna talk about that .Then I had to do a radiologie of my poumons .

2002-08-09T20:18:00.000-07:00

I'm on a quest , yes on a quest for happiness .And to be happy is too make others happy .So I guess i'll try that from now on .Right now I'm trying to get in touch with my old friends and go out with them for a day and catch up on old times .I felt much better when I saw Channy today,despise my tiredness .I'm planning to do something with Julia ,a girl who kept me company for a long time,we met when I was about 7 or 9 .I never seen her as a child my mother babysat but more like a friend, a sister I always wanted .Her mom didn't give much about her and she was sad.She came from a broken family and I gadly adopted her into my family .I think she's the only kid I shared my toys with .
Then Rosa's comming the 20th ,so ill get the chance to see her and meli who I knew for quite a while,meli was my first new friend at jean 23 and I met rosa threw her .And they both protected me from losers at school *they still do ,i hear ppl wispering "hey,dont bug her ,i know her, she has two crazy biatches as backup "*.I'm also thinking of writing to J ,although we haven't much to say to each other, but I think she deserves it because *she was one of the first friends that was a girl* at gentilly .I always played with six graders or boys and I found it sometimes hard,cus I couldn't be myself entirely .And when I met J ,she taught me lot's of stuff about friendship and happiness *happiness is not a place or a person it's something you create.*

2002-08-08T07:25:00.000-07:00

Argg Godamn fat babies are making me go crazy! I'm saying fat babies and not fat inuit babies because there's a chinese one in there somewhere and it seems that his purpose in life is crying and make Lorah go crazy .I went in my room to calm down but I could still hear them threw the heating system *that never works*
Anyways don't be surprised if I end up in one of those stupid court shows on tv with judje judy *the Babysitters daugther gone wrong ...And the babysitter too*

2002-08-07T14:15:00.000-07:00

My father is considering to send me to France to *wake me up*

2002-08-07T14:11:00.000-07:00

I went to see the doctors the other day ,she said that my system was unstable or some shit like that ,she gave me a paper so I can go to Lachine's hospital (when it opens) so I can get checked *blood tests,x ray and many other scary things.*oh man I hope my doctor will be woman .

My father told me he had the same problem as me when he was a kid,(always tired ,always mehish)and he discovered he had sickness that was grave in those days ,he had to spend one month in bed without seing no one but his family and the doctor occasionally .He said it's in those times where you find out whos ur friend and whose not .

2002-08-07T13:59:00.000-07:00

I updated my guestbook because it was so ugly.

2002-08-07T13:58:00.000-07:00

I would rather be unknown to everyone than being known as *Marc's little sister* or even worse *Marc junior*.

2002-08-04T09:54:00.000-07:00

My dad said I was too lazy the other day, so first thing in the morning, I put on my rollers and I rollerbladed til Pointe Claire, When I was heading back home I saw Julian going to work but he was too far. Then I went down by the lake to draw in my new art book. Fun fun fun!

2002-08-01T13:47:00.000-07:00

I realised that I didn't talk much and was a drag when I went out with ppl in Dorval because...I saw them too much ,ppl seemed not to want me there because I was so depressing, boring and always tired and pissed,so I stoped going out .My behaviour was getting bleh until I talked to Max last night and I was becoming my normal self again !Today I went to fairview with him ,we were gonna go to the theater but meh ,fairview was filled with idiots and we could make fun of them if we got bored .
There wasn't one awkward silence today and I feel much better .Changes are good .Or maybe it's because of Max's self critisism(wether it's good or bad) that makes me laugh my heart out. So today I had fun ,and I even bought an art book and a 5b pencil !My fav is 4 but eh ,close enough .
I'm thinking of changing my layout ,theres no archive !But I'm not shure,I like this one .*o*

2002-07-31T09:05:00.000-07:00

::Le jours d'avant::

Hier soir ,j'était trop fatigué et tanné ,j'avais étudié toute la journée et aidé ma mère avec les petits et la cuisinne sans me plaindre *un grand exploit pour moi*.Mon crétin de frère a bien choisit le jour pour me provoquer .Bref une grosse chamaille à éclater .Moi j'ai passer le restant de ma soirée à brailler comme une conne dans ma chambre ,repassant les photos d'Haiti ,mes calepins à dessins et mon *happy box*.Lui est partis nager je ne sais ou ,mais ca faisait bien mon affaire .

::Les jours tristes::

Ces jours la s'accumulent de plus en plus chez moi .Je ne sais plus quoi faire .Je me suis fait dire qu'il manquerai peut ëtre quelque chose dans ma vie ,j'aimerai s'avoir moi .J'ai l'impression que cette phase n'en finiras plus .

::L'absente::

C'est drole les images que je peux me crée juste en regardant un décor l'où une personne vivait ,sans l'avoir connue ou vue d'ailleur,je me suis déjà fait l'image d'elle .Juste en écoutant leur voix à l'autre bout du fil téléphonique , je vois déjà la couleur de leurs cheveux, la longueur ,je vois un sourire ou un air triste dansant sur leur visages ,je les vois .Prennons exemple de Yann Tiersen ,je l' écoute aller avec son arccordéon ou sur le piano ,et je vois un vieux papi ,au yeux brillants et gaie ,un vieux bonhomme sympa ,au cheveux et barbe (longue barbe) blanches .Un petit gilet vert de laine et un vieux pantalons brun .Bref un petit vieux qu'on retrouverai assis sous un pommier,ou un poirier...peu importe, les jours de printemps ,en train de raconter des histoires du bon vieux temps au petit boudins .
Et ben ,figurer vous de ma surprise quand ce matin je tombe sur un site espagnol/francais montrant Yann Tiersen... Un bon jeune homme ayant encore un bon bout avant d'achever sa vie ,pas comme le vieux pet que j'avait imaginer .Pull rayé, boucle d'oreille, cheveux coiffés par le vent (cheveux court d'ailleur et aucune trace de barbe)Yann n'était pas du tout comme l'image que je m'était crée .

::L'échec::

Le titre est destinée a moi. Que ce soit a propos de mes notes d'école ,de ma vie ,moi je dirai surtout au niveau de la famille. Moi et ma famille on ne s'entend plus vraiment du tout. C'est moi qui est reconnue comme la malfaiteuse ici donc si quelque chose ne va pas ,on me pointera do doigt c'est connue ici. Ma mère on dirait c'est les yeux de mon père quand il est parti au travail .Elle raconte tout à l'arrivée du soir ,pendant le souper, en regardant la télé, en marchant, et même dans la chambre à coucher .Mais la chose qui m'agace le plus ,c'est que c'est moi le sujet de la conversation la plupart du temps .Ca me dérangerai pas autant si elle était plus discrète mais ce n'est pas le cas .
C'est comme si je n'était pas là .

2002-07-29T06:51:00.000-07:00

I put a guest book for kk *Aren't I nice!*

2002-07-29T06:46:00.000-07:00

Oh theres something wrong with my template again and it's a piss off.

2002-07-28T21:41:00.000-07:00

So low

2002-07-24T07:17:00.000-07:00

Are you NASTY or NICE?

Quiz made by Angela

2002-07-23T21:31:00.000-07:00

::If you find a four leaf clover
It will bring happiness::

I've isolated myself ,I don't feel like seeing or talking to anyone right now .I'll only talk to ppl when they'll come to me .My emotions are constantly changing, going up or down ,like this crazy rollercoaster from Hell that's been put on loop permanantly .I don't feel like going out ,each time I meet someone I feel like my body is turning into a statue ,everything ,including my heart .It took me about five minutes to finally get a sound out of my mouth this morning when I met Justin .I told him I was sleepy and I just woke up ...It was 11:45 ,I woke up at nine in the morning, i was perfectly awoke...
The other day when Pat came in my house,he saw me sitting on the couch and said hi ,I didn't answer ,I looked at him and nodded dumbly and continued watching the tv *which I forgot to turn on*.Phil was there too ,I think I make him uncomfortable ,he probably thinks I hate his guts ,it was really funny to see ,him full of energy and laughter in his eyes telling jokes trying to fill the gaps of silence that I install by my indifference,me staring at him blankly not making a sound ,my hairs is puffy, messy, dull and everything wrong ,still in my pjs *its 3pm* not laughing but not showing signs of annoyance ,just neutral .I must of looked like I was dead .

::But, don't tell anyone
Where its white flower blooms::

I think the reason of this big fat stupid phaze started was because I admitted a few weeks ago to my father that I was unhappy .For three years now my father asked me over and over again :"Lorah I don't think your happy ,Are you happy?What's wrong?blablabla" For three years now me, inheritating my fathers stubborness ,answered "Yes I'm happy,look smiley (big stupid grin plastered on my face) Ive got everything I want."My father would nod satisfacted with the answers for a while went on with his day. But when my father did let's-drill-her with-lots-of-questions-although-I-know-the-answers -already thing a few weeks ago, a little frail voice inside me said no ,and naturally that's what I said: "no". No I'm not ,I'm not happy with my life ,my grades ,my outcomes ,my art ,my relationtships no I'm not happy with myself at all .That night my head was bubbeling with questions .Why after three years ,why did I let go of this obstination ,of this obssession I've had of me being happy?Why did I say I was unhappy?Why?
Maybe I was trying to change the road I was constantly taking ,the route of safety and comfort ?Maybe I was trying to make a change ,trying to reborn myself in a more mature,better and perhaps happier person by admitting something I couldn't see before .For three whole years I lived in evasion from the truth desperatly holding the idea that I was happy .

::Or how many leaf lets from its stem extend
The four leaved Clover::

The last time I was happy ,like really really happy was when I thought I found someone who undestood me completely .I was giddy and joyfull ,and oh if me right now met me back then ,I think I'd slap and beat the Hell out of me back then for being so always happy 24/7 it makes me wanna puke .
That person was somewhat special to me ,and somehow created an illusion of what was perfect to me and really got the best of me .Days like those where golden souvenirs ,that seem distant to me now ,almost like a hazy dream *Did that really happen?*Back then I had all my self confidance and maybe more ,I smiled and laughed alot ,and I made other ppl laugh ,and that made me happier.Back then I was happy with who I was ,I embraced all of my imperfections and I wouldn't rest until everybody was showing signs of happiness .With that person I felt complete .A friendship that made me reborn .A reborn force inside that persuaded me to love life and live it fully.Then I guess I went overboard and ruined it all by wanting it to be more than friendship and that was the end of it all .I messed up in being happy .
Afterwards I fell into a rocky path of deception and sorrow also I was too ashamed to speak to that person, also angry at myself for not seeing all his enormous defaults.And we remained strangers to each other ,with time I've grown comfortable to speak to him again normally but I always kept it short not to fall into the same trap twice.

::I only want your happiness
Knowing, I can never be yours to share it::

I think isolation is my solution to alot of things ,among sleeping ,drawing and eating .Shure it's running away from my problems but it works .Of course I won't use it for long ,
it just helps me from being more harmed or harm others ,and I could concentrate on a real solution ,so I guess it's a solution to get solutions.
You've got to know that happiness is not an impossibility for me ,but happiness has a price to pay ,happiness could bring up all sorts of pain and a great deal of suffering .
It would mean that I would have to get my head out of the sand ,that I would have to get out of my shell ,be outgoing.But that's where I mess up all the time .Ive been told that I'm introverted many times ,and this will bring me sadness ,it has .

2002-07-23T10:08:00.000-07:00

sadness is contagious
Came back from school ,I went there to pick u my science book and give kk the extra ticket and money back .On my way I met Christine,Lean,Lauren,Sarah,and a bunch of ppl including kk and Phil .They ALL noticed that I was having a crummy day or that something was wrong .It's great to see someone who hasn't accomodated to my mood swings .I'm not happy but at least I'll stay out of trouble and won't kill anybody .

2002-07-22T06:40:00.000-07:00

Feel a little better ,My head hurts like hell and I have a soar throat .Yesterday I got an offer I couldn't refuse .I was desperatetly looking for a mere 20 bucks lying around in the laundry room ,Then I had a phone call from my mother's client P.She asked me if I could babysit her kids til 7 for 60 $ .She kept on calling me and raising the price telling me to come as fast as I could .
Once I got there she brought the kids out and payed me 80 dollars in advance .I was like ok thanx .Apparently she had troubles with her husband again .He was drunk and he was pushing her around ,and she didn't want the kids around .So I ended up babysitting til 7...then 7:30...8:00...10:00...11:00...Then my mom started asking me weird questions, saying it was for the social worker .My mom has growed quite used to having social workers comming around, taking the little kids she babysat away .Hopefully that won't happen here with T and F .Anyways they are still here ,asking me if theyre daddy is in jail yet ,and if they could go back home .

2002-07-21T07:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday night we went to see my brother break and I saw a cute breakdancer *sigh*,then we came back and saw reign of fire with Phil,it wasn't that bad ,I actually enjoyed it .The dragons were really well made *I like dragons*.Then we decided To see Sophie at wild willys and I left early because I was really cold .On my way back I was really dizzy and I kept closing my eyes and I was walking crooked ,I must of looked like a drunky .Each time I closed my eyes and opened them ,there was a new person in front of me ,like that dude Saad that appeared out of nowhere and offered me chips .And I was mumbling nonsense .
I was glad I got back home cus once I got to my room I fell asleep at once .I only woke up in the middle of the night and I was coughing like crazy .Then I went to the washroom and I coughed out blood .My dad saw and said "Yep it's time for you to see the doctors"The rest of the night was just dull cus I was either really cold or really hot .I had to close and open my window .Put on or take off my pile of blankets .Bleh.

2002-07-18T12:45:00.000-07:00

Wonder what the worlds biggest and stinkiest flower looks like ? Go here

2002-07-17T14:20:00.000-07:00

I think i shoukd do sumthing out of my missing archives....

2002-07-17T08:10:00.000-07:00

My mom and Dad where fighting yesterday ,she said that we didn't like her enough ,she made this huge scene ,saying my dad was encouraging us to critisize her inuits and the way she was working .My dad never encouraged us ,he even tried to stop us .
It's hard not to complain about someone else's ways when all that someone does is complain all day long about yours,I usually wake up early ,but it's summer vacation now!How many times will I wake up at nine or ten in the morning on week days during school year?Besides if I wake up earlyier ill hear my mom complain more than usual ,or hear that crazy baby that cries all day long twice as much !She complains that I'm always at one place for a long period of time,god nabbit she also complained that I was everywhere and in her goddamn way !She doesn't want me downstairs in the morning ,she doesn't want me outside at noon ,she can't even stand having me in the same faking room !What do I do in that case?I go to my room and don't bother anyone ,but wait then madam says that I don't move enough ,true but each time I lift I finger ,my mom's annoying voice raises at me .
Starting to think of it each time she talked to me was to scream at me .Makes ME wanna leave .

2002-07-16T07:37:00.000-07:00

I just woke up and I find all the fat babies scattered around my house *wheres jackie?*(my mom),I think she left me with the babies again wile I was sleeping and having nightmares .Last night I dreamt that I was sent to a farm place ,a hole,where I didn't know anybody and the first thing I hear when I enter the school with only one class was *congratulations for your engadgement with the cutest boy in school*I turn around and I see Andrew Keagan offering me a rose.*Arrrg*he kept on following me around and wispering in my ear *I'll give you the whole world* All the girls seemed to like him but me .It's not that he's really repulsive or anything but eh he's not exactly my first choice nor my second or third on my boy wish list ,not that I have one .*eh heh right*

2002-07-15T15:38:00.000-07:00

Today ,my dad didn't have to work and he finally brought the winnebago in ( The camping car ) It's so cool ,I took a ride in it and I just can't wait till we really go somewhere with it! ^_^, I also got tickets to see the pope *I think* I heard he was only going to Toronto ,but if he's comming here me and Renée might be lucky enough to see him.

2002-07-15T11:08:00.000-07:00

What kind of ANGEL are you?

Quiz made by Angela

2002-07-15T07:25:00.000-07:00

Wow hello kitty guns?hellokitty, you don't need violence to sell !

2002-07-15T07:15:00.000-07:00

alt="I'm DebiL!">

2002-07-15T07:05:00.000-07:00

I really really don't like that stupid add on top of my page,it ruins everything but if I take it off It'll cost me sumthing, arg .

Last night I didn't sleep well, so I'm all grumpy .There was a bug in my room ,it wasn't a mosquito so I didn't mind it much at first but itkept going around my head and I could hear it buzzing land ,close to my head ,and I'd go crazy and toss around like a mad trompet monkey and I slapped myself five times and it would go away and come back with reinforcements,my dad got pissed at me at 2:30 of the morning for all the noise and I ended up sleeping on the couch in the living room until some traumatised baby woke me up at around 4:30 because I took her place where she'd usually sleep until her other friends came ...

2002-07-14T20:38:00.000-07:00

I realise,right when I click republish that I don't have an archieve...ARG you brain, piss on you!! No wait,that's MY head...Arg I'll eat lot's of icecream so that you suffer from brain freeze!Niark Nirak!

2002-07-14T20:12:00.000-07:00

I finally updated my stupid site!

2002-06-08T17:26:00.000-07:00

I read this article about a girl in one of my mags *cosmo girl*,about her being raped and how she fought back.I was very touched by her story,and I must say I HATE MEN ARGGG DIE YOU STUPID BAKAS DIE! *except the sweet nice ones*

2002-05-22T19:40:00.000-07:00

introvertie
Le talent ne compte pas,c'est la personne elle même qui faut aimer ,ce n'était pas une phrase que je connaissait il n'y a que peu de temps ,mais là le monde s'eclaircit ,le monde me prend par les pied et me secout ,je bascule ,je me reveille bien que la chose ne mémerveille pas .Non se reveiller et voir le monde de ce qu'il en est vraiment est une chose qui m'obligera a vivre ,a sortir de mon cocon de soie ,je suis trop sensible ,non je ne veux pas savoir ,souffrir est un mot que j'ai repousser trop longtemps selon l'extérieur.

Bien que je ne connaisse pas le sens du mot souffrance, je pleure de temps en temps .Mais ce n'est pas la vrai misère que je vis pendant ses moments là .J'ai tout le pain a la mie du monde ,,je pourrais aller n'importe ou dans le monde si bon me semblait .J'aurais pu accepter les mots doux que plusieurs m'ait offert ainsi que les lettres a la goutte d'eau de rose on ne peut les oublier ,de l'amour de la famille il m'en manque point et si par malheur celui qui pour le monde ne compte pour une personne mais que cette personne pour moi compte pour le monde entier n'accepte pas mon coeur ,serait je la affligé d'une telle tristesse que je retiendra mon dernier souffle?De toute façon qu'est ce qu'il a se fouttre de la mort prédestinée a une mocheté comme moi?Je pense même que sa ferait leurs affaires aux garçons,que j'arrête de les poursuivres .

Je ne connais pas souffrance ,mais qu'est ce la délivrance?Pourquoi ma tête s'enfle t-il de lugubre .Si la lugubrité avait une forme ,si elle avait un volume ,méme si elle avait un volume d'un grain de sable je croit que ma tête aurait depuis longtemps éclater de misère .Ma misère n'est peut être pas comparable a la faim ,la prison ou a l'orphelin mais je suis quand même noyée dans une certaine tristesse .Mon père dit que je suis une fille dans une bulle,chaque jour je me replie un peu plus sur moi même ,je suis coinçé dans mon petit monde rose ,le vrai monde n'existe pas .Il dit que je suis lache quand la vie me regarde de face.Il ne connait pas mes pensées,il ne connait pas ma vie (les lecteurs de pensées seuls me connaissent sous mon véritable visage)il ne sait pas a qui je parle ,a quoi je pense,qu'est ce qui parvient a fondre mon coeur de glace at me fait sourire .Je ne suis qu'une étrangère a ses yeux.Mais c'est celui qui me comprend le mieux .Il veux m'emmener a un hopital ou un truc du genre .Il croit que j'ai peut être un problème psychologique et avec mes tics nerveux son opinion ne s'amèliore guère .Au fond peut être je devrai juste me la fermer moi et ma gueule de beurre et accepter ce que le monde a a dire sur moi .Je crois que je vais laisser mon père m'emmener a l'hopital .

2002-05-22T18:22:00.000-07:00

I saw le fabuleux destin d' Amelie Poulain with Renée the other day and frankly I liked it .I watched it like ten times over and over yesterday before giving it back and I cried ten times when she was daydreaming Nino ( her crush ) coming in her house and playing with the beads on the door (but then she turns around to only find it was her cat.)I cried though I knew she would end up with him .Because...Because (deep dark secret) I do that too *wahhhhh*.Yes pathetic thing I do when I like someone .I imagine him sneaking in my house and surprising me in my room when I'm least expecting it ,and then spend the rest of the night together.But that never happens to me.The boy is probably getting hit on by a pretty chick and doesn't even know I exist and I end up alone feeling sorry for myself .But then I'd hear the sound of a skateboard outside and my hopes would go way up and I'd look out of the window hoping to see him *he chose me over the pretty chick* but then seeing no one but an airplane in the sky I'd go back to whatever I was doing and feel sad. Yes I'm a dreamer ,I dream too much and I don't care if I'm introverted ,I can't live without my daydreams. Anyone who knows me very very well should know that I can't spend a day without dreaming once .*Sigh*.
I also liked the way Amélie gets her crush .It's somewhat romantic and if I had the chance I'd like to fall in love like that .Actually I'd just like to fall in love ,and being held tight by the boy of my dreams eveynight knowing he loves me too ...Sigh.

2002-05-18T08:41:00.000-07:00

Wrote two new poems in my lyric section .

2002-05-16T13:21:00.000-07:00

Have you ever loved somebody so much It make you cry ?
Have you ever needed something so bad .You can't sleep at night.

To Kk's request I shall update more frequently since she likes to read all the stupidities I have to say.Oh and I tryied your 123guestbook site and it didn't work! *o*

Have you ever tried to find the words .But they don't come out right?
Have you ever been in love Been in love so bad

So this is how sweet sixteen feels like .Karen says that once you turned 16 everything goes right .i guess It's true but in same time not so true .I mean shure I might of scored 100% in my math exam,put up the deco murale in the caf (finally),recently won a bottle of rhum,didn't get into trouble with my parents ,got a hundred bucks,learnt that I was going to Toronto this week end,DIDN"T INTO TROUBLE WITH MY PARENTS??But i think it's all a myth ,it's an illusion created by ppl to get young teens to look forward to...Happiness is not a place,an age ,a number ,a time ,a day ,a month ,a year ,a memory ,a person...It's something you create .Until you decide to be happy ,I think you'll stay sad .until you decide to move you'll stay put.Until you decide to find the solution you'll stay wih the problem ...argg so bad at expressing myself.But I try to.One day I will succeed mwahaha!
So you might be bad at being happy,it might be hard to be happy but keep trying .One day you'll wake up smiling! ^_^ *What a load of crap!*

You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you have had someone steal your heart away

I heard they have a blueberry pepsi...Sounds nasty but I want to try it .

You'd give anything to make them fell the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart

My brother is being cocky these past few days...I hope it's because of his school and not because he's conforming himself to his friends ways ,because then I'd be ashamed of him..Changing his personality to fit in..That is not the way of an artist .tsk tsk.

But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start

I love you...Three words I absolutely love to hear but also hate .Makes no sense but that's how I feel about those words.It should only be employed when your serious about it .People these days ,toss it around so lightly .They can say that phrase with such ease it pisses me off .It ruins the effect (imagine your boyfriend tells you he loves you but you fnd out he says that to every girl he meets. *Don't you feel special.*)
It pisses me off that ppl could joke around with it .Don't make someone fall in love with you if your not going to catch them .I dunno maybe it's me ,maybe I take things to seriously ,I'm just a crazy freak that's looking for someone to confort her in her paranoia .

Have you ever loved someone so much
It's make you wanna cry

I'm leaving for Toronto soon ,I just came back from the bus stop with Sarah and we saw Ju...He was going to a baseball practise and as usual he was late so we couldn't get to talk to him much.I was hoping a baseball would hit his head but it didn't happen .Why cause he's one of those eazy phrase tossers I was talking about .He came to the star wars domination party and he played on the guitar while the others played green days *time of your life*.It was cool ,I wasn't expecting presents ,I'm glad although I didn't deserve all the attention .Then I got gifts ^_^,and I was reading cards and Ju came and said he didn't have a card and he improvised one (happy birthday Lorah ,I love you.) Right .Again ,don't say it if you don't mean it .

Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all your life
You'd do anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to you
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care
What do I gotta do to get to you in my arms baby
What do I gotta do to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Coz baby I can't sleep

2002-05-16T12:12:00.000-07:00

Oye Rosa it doesn't matter that you couldn't contact me on time for my birthday at least you remembered not like my dumb ass brother who still didn't wish me happy birthday yet...I wonder if he even knows...I doubt it .

2002-05-14T17:12:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking of getting a new layout.This layout is too blue...

2002-05-14T17:10:00.000-07:00

Haha kk tried to make me sing that *soon I will be over you* song in front of Juans pic. I couldn't even stare at it so I was singing to the next picture *Me*.Haha I'm so sad!
I heard that Max was going to Haiti and I'm not so shure I'm going to go .I'tl make me nostalagic and I'm sad when I am .I don't like being sad cus no one wants to be with me when I am .I think I'm capable to make a whole croud sad .I'm so depressing and over dramatic .

2002-05-14T16:41:00.000-07:00

It was my birthday yesterday.

2002-05-08T14:28:00.000-07:00

I miss ...I miss so many things I used to have. That's whats wrong with ppl!You only realise something is important to you until you lose it!
It's like summer .During winter I'm wishing for summer to come fast but when It's there ,I'm not thankful .Like right now! It's nice out,it's hot ,the grass is green the birds are chirping and I'm here inside the computer room ,where it's dark, it's cold ,I could hear the faint sound of my computer buzing(a sound I could hear all year long)and the walls of this room is pale green and have dirty inuit baby hand marks all over .I think I'm going out to skate now .

2002-05-07T12:33:00.000-07:00

I heard there was a powerpuff girl movie comming out!Oyao!

2002-05-06T18:09:00.000-07:00

This is the place where I sit,
This is the part where I love you too much
This is as hard as it gets,
Cus I'm tired of pretending I'm tough
I'm here if you want me,Im yours you can hold me
I'm empty and aching ,I'm tumbling I'm falling .
Cus you don't see me,and you don't need me and you don't love me...
The way I wish you would....
The way I know you could.

I dream a world where you understand, but I dream a million sleepless nights
but I dream of fire when you touch my hand ,but it twists into smoke
when I turn on the lights.
I'm speechless and faded...It's too complicated.
Is this how the book ends?Nothing but good friends?
Cus you don't see me ,no you don't love me....the way I wish you would.
This is the place in my heart...This is the place where I'm falling apart.
Isn't it just where we met?And this is the last chance that I'll ever get.
Cristal and see through and not enough to you,
cus you don't need me,
cus you don't see me
and you don't love me.The way I wish you would.

2002-05-06T17:38:00.000-07:00

what's your battle cry? |
mewing.net | merchandise!

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2002-05-06T16:51:00.000-07:00

It's funny how a mere smile can brighten my day .No need to communicate ,no need to talk .Just a wordless conversation.It's funny how you can tell someone so many things within just three secounds without speaking...You could tell them you love/hate him/her just by the look in your eye.How much you miss being with them ,how much you can catch up with forgotten friends ,how you can turn fiends into friends,how you forget all the bad things the person put you threw and remember all the good times. *Sigh*
And it's funny how I could look into this one person's eyes without being intimadated...Like if I wanted to lose myself and escape the real world.Usually I can't stare into a person eyes for more than five seconds .It's something I was taught to not do. Each time I'd stare into my mothers eyes when I was little ,I would be punished,until I'd lower my eyes at her sight .It's impolite (not that I'm polite,it's more like a habit now) it's overpowering ,it's disgraceful.The only people I was aloud to stare at was people whom I considered my equals or people lower than me (never met someone lower than me).Yeah so when I love or respect a certain person as much as I love this person ,I usually lower my eyes .It's a sign of respect .(Don't get mad at me if I don't look at you,I'm not trying to ignore you here)

I remember one of my friends asked me why I wouldn't look at her all the time when she was talking to me ,I didnt know what to answer ,she thought I was never listening to her and lost in my little dream world but I was paying attention to every word that she said but I was looking away ,I must've looked impatient to leave or something cus she threw a fit .From that day forward I tried to brake this stupid habit of mine .I'm doing much better! ^_^
I mean if I could stare at my crush ,then I'm making goddamn good progress!

2002-05-05T13:25:00.000-07:00

Moleman=bullshit
Was watching the 2002 grammy award...Well actually I only saw bits ,like when Enrique performed...Oh God !I wonder why he bothered hiring the musicians :we all know it was all prerecorded ,anyways maybe they were there to be pretty .*Pot de fleur* as I would call it ,meaning flower pots .Decorations .Usually I reserve that name to my brother's girlfriends but the name went well for them too .I mean common there was this guitar solo at one point and all the guitarist did was play a few cords or tapped on the guitar...And I don't think Enrique could sing two phrases at the same time???

2002-05-03T22:58:00.000-07:00

I say goodbye and I choke

I saw spider man tonite,heehee it was good but they cut out a lot,and things were changed .Like the way spider man had his webbing .He was suppose to have web cadridges but in the movie his webbing was natural...Oh well that didn't ruin the movie but I think it could of been better ,I mean if it took ten years to prepare then I think the quality should be well much better .

I Try to walk away and I stumble

Today was an ok day...I was being stupid with Julian again .Not that I did it intentionally .I mean when I saw him this morning the first thing I though was *how could you not talk and ignore him for so long?Be nice...No really try!* So he approached he tried to be friendly ,but my stupid pig headed attitude came in again .*If your nice to him your showing him that you don't mind being treated the way he treated you*So I just agreed to what he said/Not say anything and got to my locker as fast as I could *what the Hell was that?*Oh well I guess I'm not over this stupid thing .Also not over what Max told me about what he said to him...Just give me time...I'll eventually forget .Poor guy he probably doesn't understand why I could be so peeved out about.

I play it off but I'm dreaming of you

If it weren't for Max I think I'd still be in my little fantasy world ,and still be liking Julian .I think I owe it all to Max for bringing me back to earth!
Hmm I feel like drinking coffee...

I keep my cool but I'm feeling,
I may appear to be free,but I'm a prisonner of your love
though I try to hide it,it's clear, my world crumbles when you are not there...

2002-05-03T22:21:00.000-07:00

Have a new section...It's for my wacked out dreams .

2002-05-01T14:07:00.000-07:00

I got scars all over my legs...I dunno how I got them ..Hmmm weird .You know what else is weird?The thought of having two little inuit brothers .Yep ,apparently some lady asked my mother to be the adoptive mother of F and T since she lost them in court .She was beating her husband,is half the time drunk when she comes to get her children and a crappy mother (five year old kid that can't speak,count,still uses diapers and bottles and has an extremelly bad temper)Yeah so I don't want them as my little brothers but I guess my opinion doesn't really count .If my mother takes them ,then I'm putting them through some intense training...Theyre gonna be the smartest ,most talented inuits they're will ever be!Muahahahaha!

2002-04-28T15:20:00.000-07:00

Oye oye ,my brother used to do the same shit with me .He probably wasn't as bad as your brother though .
I think my brother could make a perfect actor ,he loves the spotlight (breaking and all)and he could pretend he's the perfect angel with my parents .Then when my parents would go out and it was only me and him he was unpredictable .I was scared shitless to be in the same room with him .The smallest thing would make him explode ,like when I'd sit on the same couch he would start screaming in my face and kicking me everywhere until I was on the goddamn floor .But the thing is I don't like to be over powered by someone else,I'm too proud to admit I'm weaker or wrong and each time I'd fall or get hit ,I'd tried to not cry get up and stare right at him smiling and say *oh I'm sorry but was that supposed to hurt?*,I must of looked like a real maniac cus he got really freaked out and threw any kind of objects and chairs at me (baby chairs) .When I was with him I felt like I was in a bootcamp and my brother was trying to break my spirit .I think he felt overpowered by everyone and he was trying to find someone weaker .Me .What he did built a real bad character in me ,I started hating my brother and everybody ,life (it was like becoming a vicious dog because its master beat it so much)I hated him so much I drew pictures of me slicing his head off (think youve seen one)I'd daydream myself killing him and all the different ways of killing him .
But I'm not mad at him anymore ,I think he had a little *haha little* problems and he was frustrated about life and he was taking it out on me .Not the best way but at least his anger is gone ,he's really nice with me and he apologized for the pain he caused and eventually I learn to forgive him and love him like I should of.I guess I was lucky that my brother woke up from his little frustration phase because it was hurting me and my brother himself ,i really don't know how to solve a problem like this ,maybe talk to your brother about it?(just make shure you have protection :a metal helmet if he blows up )

2002-04-28T14:47:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking of changing my layout...But I'm too lazy...Harumph!

2002-04-27T11:32:00.000-07:00

I looked at my jade ring and almost went mad .I saw my reflection ,staring straight back at me smiling ,but I wasn't smiling .Maybe my happyness is leaving my body .Maybe it's getting sucked in all of my prized posessions .Maybe to be happy you have to have own nothing .Maybe I have eye problems and it was all a trick of light...

2002-04-27T07:19:00.000-07:00

Darling, so there you are
With that look on your face
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down
So let me come to you
Close as I wanted to be
Close enough for me
To feel your heart beating fast
And stay there as I whisper
How I loved your peaceful eyes on me
Did you ever know
That I had mine on you

2002-04-26T21:02:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry but why should I sleep early?I don't get it?I feel like more I grow old more my parents consider me as a baby...They used to let me out til one in the morning now it's frigging 11:00 not even !Why should I go to bed faking early ?I need some time off alone don't I ?I mean I come home straight from school everyday ,I go to sleep at 10:30 each night wake up earlier than everyone in the morning .Why should I sleep early on a freaking friday night ?

2002-04-26T20:43:00.000-07:00

My tribute to the boys of my life

I'm so sorry to all the boys I turned down the way I did .I am so goddamn sorry to all the people I hurt in my tiny existance.I wish I never ignored you ,I wish I never bitched or avoided you the way I did because I wasn't intersted or actually because I was afraid of commitment .It was never because you weren't good enough for me .I was afraid of not being good enough for all of you .I'm afraid you saw another person than the real me ,afraid of disapointment.The way I behaved towards all of you was pretty immature of me and hopefully I'll be less than I was by admitting what I did was wrong on my site .

I miss him a lot.

You guys showed me what great friends you were by sticking by my side even after me acting like a jerk towards all of you .It showed me what good actually GREAT ppl you all are and it showed me what a great jerk I was .You must all think ,shure it's eazy to apologize but man she won't ever know the scar and pain she gave us .She doesn't know half the pain .well boys it's time for rejoicing, I do .And I know how it feels to get ignored because of something I did (which wasn't bad)It's a total undeserved punishment ,cus you guys didn't do anything wrong ,right?!Didn't our parents say it was good to love?
Anyways all that for apologizing on my immature actions that I can't erase ,I hope you can forgive me and if you can't well I guess I deserve it.

2002-04-26T19:54:00.000-07:00

Yaheimer?
What's wrong with me?I really want to know what ,why I'm acting like a party pooper?

2002-04-25T15:38:00.000-07:00

::In a field of thousands::
::there's only one that blooms::

My thinking with my heart instead of my brain always made me a loser in every situation .I'm all about feeling and not thinking .I lose in battles ,when I try not to hurt my opponent result: I get hurt,and lose .I suck at school ,but good in things I feel; painting is all about my feelings,my opinions, my status of mind ....Anyways I dunno what or how I'm feeling right now ,I'm too tired to find out .

My head is saying, fool forget him

But why am I feeling so down all the time?I remember in Haiti I was ,most of the time,happy ,cheerful, positive .Maybe my moods depends a little on the weather .Maybe that's why my parents bring me each year to a warm country .To see me being happy .When I'm in a tropical country I transform into someone else.I don't recognised myself ,heat is like a drug a stimulator .And when I take a step back from my life and take a long look at it ,I think who am I really?Who is me?Who is Lorah?Is she the one on the left sad ,thinking about everything and nothing ,negative, mean, selfish or the one on the right ,happy ,caring and living life by the day?Who am I,does anyone know?
How could they if I don't ?Am I a poser?Am I my brother?

My heart is saying ,don't let go

Charles told me something that made me confused when I was 13yrs old.He said I was the female replica of my brother .Not that I took it as an insult but I must of made a weird face so he started rephrasing and explaining what he said .He said that I was like my brother in many ways .He said I could take up any sports and within a month I'd be a pro at it *uh huh ,riiiight*,he said that I had potential...Potential,me?Lol!And he said I was beyond my years...Okay that was too much .He knew me since I was three ,by then he must of understood who I was...Not wise ,selfish ,negative, spoiled and last but not least IMMATURE !Ayeyayaii!Charles your hilarious .

Hold on to the end,is what I intend to do

Now let's go to a subject I've always wanted to talk about but never really found the right time (still didn't find it) or the right person to tell (still didn't him/her)or the right place(Is this it?)It's one of my taboo subjects I keep myself from talking because it's sounds so pathetic but I beleive in it so hard (just think of it as ppl with religions...Sometimes they are pathetic but ppl still beleive in them)Anyways I'm a very supersticious person (I freak when I open a stupid chainletter and don't send it to five ppl or more) So If your not supersticious and don't beleive in reincarnation and everything (you might wanna skip the next few paragraphs cus it'll sound like a load of bullshit.)

Anyways each time I go to Mauritius I go to the bouddist temples to pray for my granpa and we spend a whole night with our Popo or the wiseman .They like doing readings for their granchildren .And my brother and I being two of them gets a reading .Mine was to me ,interesting and reveiling .They said that in my lives .I live situations over and over again therefor I get alot of déjà vous/vu? They said I had a very sad love story in one of my past life.I was a deeply in love with a man and he liked me too,he was nice ,loving ,gentle ,a ladies man ya know?But he was from a family of nobles or some shit like that ,he could only marry what do you call those?Anyways someone his class .And I was only middle class ,and we weren't aloud to love and eventually I killed myself when I was sold by my parents to another man.Erm it's not a sad/tragic/love/dramatic story but hey if someone died in it ,it's sad to me.

deep down, I'm just a fool that's willing

Another thing they said ,I am somehow linked to my brother, dunno how but eh they are the profesionals .They said that before comming to life ,our spirit divided in three(maybe four?)Brain ,heart ,strengh (fourth=?)I'd say my brother was the spirit with the brain ,cus damn he's smart,he always get's himself out of shit .I'd be the one with the heart cus I'm soo sensitive ,always feeling and the third+fourth spirit are out there in the world .Apparently if we want to live life to the fullest we must find the other two .We will be complete!Oh God this is corny !

Baby don't worry,you know that you got me

Now that I think of it I remember Jerry's readings (Haha I'm not finished talking jiberish yet!)Jerry was my brothers psycho but really cool friend when he was in sec one .He was into weird stuff and seeing the future was one of them .I really admired and looked up too him at the time .He wasn't particuarly nice but I dunno ,I liked him .One day he came with his magik dices and he was bored so he decided to read my future .
He rolled them once,twice ,three times,four times fives time, six....
one was for my studies ,I will have a hard time in school ,failing and if I didn't want to I'd have to work my ass off ,more than anyone .
two was for friendship ,I will meet alot of friends ,but not be popular ,I will be loyal ,and alot of people will see that and might want to take advantage of that ,if I didn't want to be hurt I must learn to trust the right ppl...How?
three was for...family .Many family fights ahead for me .
five was for success, Jerry's readings were unclear about that one...Maybe it depends on me.
Six...six...was for love .I will not *love* anyone but have many lovers until I meet my *uh protector*(argg cornyyyy)

Here's the conversation we had when he had to babysit me one night and he read my future to bore me to death and make me fall asleep.

L:Protector?What's that?
J:...Weird ,a guy that will be your lucky charm...He will be like you in many ways... but not related of course .You've met him already ...I think when you were younger... Maybe you were born in the same hospital or sumthing...He has alot of things in common with you and you will meet again in a far away place and become close.Maybe soon or when your older like in 20 years...He will leave your life as fast as he came in many times but he will stay and protect you .
L:He'll die?
J:I don't know?!Do you think I could see everything?!
L:You see me?
J: ...Your not...Shut up kid and listen!...Something bad will happen...
L:He'll die?
J:Arg, something bad doesn't mean death !
L:Oh.
J:You might get in to a fight,I don't know something will seperate you,I'd say most probably someone that's jealous ...A friend will try to seperate you two because he/she lusts one of you .And if you/he beleives in your friends stories things will get ill between you two ,but in the end things will get back into place .
L:I like happy endings to love stories...
J:It might not be a happy ending in that way kiddo, I just said things will go back to normal but I didn't say you guys will get together .I just said he will protect you .So you/he might like each other but never end up together in that way and one of you will be sad .
L:Will I be sad?
J:Just shut up and be happy !Maybe It won't happen...
L:Can you read my future again .
J:No ,it'll ruin everything .
L:Oh.
J:dammit child,go to sleep now.
L:Goodnight.
J:I won't if you don't sleep!

...sometimes relationships get ill

I know this whole reading the future thing is ridiculous ,but it's something I beleive in .People sometimes do ridiculous things and this is one ridiculous thing I happen to do .I know it ,I can't deny it but i still do it .I don't beleive a stranger *like that jamaican lady on tv*I won't call her up and beleive what she says .I beleive ppl I trust such as my granny Popo ...I don't know about Jerry's reading but it was intriguing and up to now he was right about my grades,my family,my friends...but what about love?I hope not .I don't want to be miserable and tear a friendship apart because of love .And I wonder if I'll ever meet this protector of mine?How he looks like?Did I meet him already?What did he meant about lucky charms?(four leaved clovers?lepercauns?coins?rainbows?the cereal lucky charms?)Does it mean he will bring me luck ?What will he protect me from?Love itself?Aye I wish I had more details...

Baby don't worry about that,You know you got me

2002-04-24T12:32:00.000-07:00

Muahahahaha... Lorah is in the shower (yet again, you damn clean freak) and she doesn't know I am posting here. So like she said, tonite is the show. Not just any show, LE SHOW! I am in 2 skits, wonderful no? Well anyhow, I love Lorah, haha... yes yes, she is my sexy bitch. Muahahahaha... So so so... you know who is sexy? Herve. Extreme greatness. Herve is hot hot hot.. yummmm! Oky, me go now, this was a little message by RENEE, queen of the universe. Actually, I am, I have a fanclub, the RFC with over 70 members! Wanna join? go to my site! Clicky! *mwah*

2002-04-24T11:54:00.000-07:00

My mom only seems happy when she gossips with her chinese friends...

2002-04-24T11:52:00.000-07:00

The show tonight ,I got three hours to prep up for it and look good...Not that I don't already^_^

2002-04-23T17:07:00.000-07:00

I bitched at my mom for not letting me eat the macaroni that was in my fridge since friday...And you know what?She felt bad and gave me it ....I don't feel so good.Arg .

2002-04-22T11:55:00.000-07:00

My aunt just left ,apparently I'm going to Toronto to see a concert...Bleh.

2002-04-21T11:00:00.000-07:00

My last night here for you

*Sigh* it'l never be the same thing again .I know it ,and you know what ?It won't be his fault it'l be mine .Because I'm the one that doesn't want to see him or talk to him,I don't want to know him ,I don't want to hear him talk to me,don't want to hear his words his stupid compliments that aren't true ,I don't want to hear his voice address to me,I don't want him to look at me,I don't want to show him that I care or that I'm enjoying his presence,that he makes me happy .When someone rejects me once ,to me it gets printed clearly in my head in big black bold letters and it won't erase--it's permanant.No matter how many times someone will tell me they care ,no matter how many time he'll apologize of whatever they did,to me it'll be black lies ...It's forever .Each time he'll say sorry ,each time he'll say he cares or something nice it'll hurt cus i'll remember .Don't get me wrong I'm glad that he showed that he cared by forcing himself to talk to me but if talking to me is a burden then forget it .

no one will hear me sing this song

So this morning I was playing moments I had with him (see how crazy I'm about this stupid guy??)I was playing good times ,bad times--times I'd simply remember .If only my father knew I was doing that when he was trying to explain the la\w of kirchhoff ,he'd understand why I was giggling or about to cry .His right hand was trembling ,tht tremble I knew so well when I was being bad as a child ,it was my fathers warning to stop but I'd never get it and eventually get slapped in the face until I cried.So I closed my eyes ,grabbed one of my pant leg and clenched my teeth til they felt numb *Go ahead ,I'm not scared of you anymore* But he didn't slapped me ,he just went on with the explanation .He doesn't consider me as a child anymore...