::Le jours d'avant::

Hier soir ,j'était trop fatigué et tanné ,j'avais étudié toute la journée et aidé ma mère avec les petits et la cuisinne sans me plaindre *un grand exploit pour moi*.Mon crétin de frère a bien choisit le jour pour me provoquer .Bref une grosse chamaille à éclater .Moi j'ai passer le restant de ma soirée à brailler comme une conne dans ma chambre ,repassant les photos d'Haiti ,mes calepins à dessins et mon *happy box*.Lui est partis nager je ne sais ou ,mais ca faisait bien mon affaire .

::Les jours tristes::

Ces jours la s'accumulent de plus en plus chez moi .Je ne sais plus quoi faire .Je me suis fait dire qu'il manquerai peut ëtre quelque chose dans ma vie ,j'aimerai s'avoir moi .J'ai l'impression que cette phase n'en finiras plus .

::L'absente::

C'est drole les images que je peux me crée juste en regardant un décor l'où une personne vivait ,sans l'avoir connue ou vue d'ailleur,je me suis déjà fait l'image d'elle .Juste en écoutant leur voix à l'autre bout du fil téléphonique , je vois déjà la couleur de leurs cheveux, la longueur ,je vois un sourire ou un air triste dansant sur leur visages ,je les vois .Prennons exemple de Yann Tiersen ,je l' écoute aller avec son arccordéon ou sur le piano ,et je vois un vieux papi ,au yeux brillants et gaie ,un vieux bonhomme sympa ,au cheveux et barbe (longue barbe) blanches .Un petit gilet vert de laine et un vieux pantalons brun .Bref un petit vieux qu'on retrouverai assis sous un pommier,ou un poirier...peu importe, les jours de printemps ,en train de raconter des histoires du bon vieux temps au petit boudins .
Et ben ,figurer vous de ma surprise quand ce matin je tombe sur un site espagnol/francais montrant Yann Tiersen... Un bon jeune homme ayant encore un bon bout avant d'achever sa vie ,pas comme le vieux pet que j'avait imaginer .Pull rayé, boucle d'oreille, cheveux coiffés par le vent (cheveux court d'ailleur et aucune trace de barbe)Yann n'était pas du tout comme l'image que je m'était crée .

::L'échec::

Le titre est destinée a moi. Que ce soit a propos de mes notes d'école ,de ma vie ,moi je dirai surtout au niveau de la famille. Moi et ma famille on ne s'entend plus vraiment du tout. C'est moi qui est reconnue comme la malfaiteuse ici donc si quelque chose ne va pas ,on me pointera do doigt c'est connue ici. Ma mère on dirait c'est les yeux de mon père quand il est parti au travail .Elle raconte tout à l'arrivée du soir ,pendant le souper, en regardant la télé, en marchant, et même dans la chambre à coucher .Mais la chose qui m'agace le plus ,c'est que c'est moi le sujet de la conversation la plupart du temps .Ca me dérangerai pas autant si elle était plus discrète mais ce n'est pas le cas .
C'est comme si je n'était pas là .

I put a guest book for kk *Aren't I nice!*

Oh theres something wrong with my template again and it's a piss off.

So low

Are you NASTY or NICE?

Quiz made by Angela

::If you find a four leaf clover
It will bring happiness::

I've isolated myself ,I don't feel like seeing or talking to anyone right now .I'll only talk to ppl when they'll come to me .My emotions are constantly changing, going up or down ,like this crazy rollercoaster from Hell that's been put on loop permanantly .I don't feel like going out ,each time I meet someone I feel like my body is turning into a statue ,everything ,including my heart .It took me about five minutes to finally get a sound out of my mouth this morning when I met Justin .I told him I was sleepy and I just woke up ...It was 11:45 ,I woke up at nine in the morning, i was perfectly awoke...
The other day when Pat came in my house,he saw me sitting on the couch and said hi ,I didn't answer ,I looked at him and nodded dumbly and continued watching the tv *which I forgot to turn on*.Phil was there too ,I think I make him uncomfortable ,he probably thinks I hate his guts ,it was really funny to see ,him full of energy and laughter in his eyes telling jokes trying to fill the gaps of silence that I install by my indifference,me staring at him blankly not making a sound ,my hairs is puffy, messy, dull and everything wrong ,still in my pjs *its 3pm* not laughing but not showing signs of annoyance ,just neutral .I must of looked like I was dead .

::But, don't tell anyone
Where its white flower blooms::

I think the reason of this big fat stupid phaze started was because I admitted a few weeks ago to my father that I was unhappy .For three years now my father asked me over and over again :"Lorah I don't think your happy ,Are you happy?What's wrong?blablabla" For three years now me, inheritating my fathers stubborness ,answered "Yes I'm happy,look smiley (big stupid grin plastered on my face) Ive got everything I want."My father would nod satisfacted with the answers for a while went on with his day. But when my father did let's-drill-her with-lots-of-questions-although-I-know-the-answers -already thing a few weeks ago, a little frail voice inside me said no ,and naturally that's what I said: "no". No I'm not ,I'm not happy with my life ,my grades ,my outcomes ,my art ,my relationtships no I'm not happy with myself at all .That night my head was bubbeling with questions .Why after three years ,why did I let go of this obstination ,of this obssession I've had of me being happy?Why did I say I was unhappy?Why?
Maybe I was trying to change the road I was constantly taking ,the route of safety and comfort ?Maybe I was trying to make a change ,trying to reborn myself in a more mature,better and perhaps happier person by admitting something I couldn't see before .For three whole years I lived in evasion from the truth desperatly holding the idea that I was happy .

::Or how many leaf lets from its stem extend
The four leaved Clover::

The last time I was happy ,like really really happy was when I thought I found someone who undestood me completely .I was giddy and joyfull ,and oh if me right now met me back then ,I think I'd slap and beat the Hell out of me back then for being so always happy 24/7 it makes me wanna puke .
That person was somewhat special to me ,and somehow created an illusion of what was perfect to me and really got the best of me .Days like those where golden souvenirs ,that seem distant to me now ,almost like a hazy dream *Did that really happen?*Back then I had all my self confidance and maybe more ,I smiled and laughed alot ,and I made other ppl laugh ,and that made me happier.Back then I was happy with who I was ,I embraced all of my imperfections and I wouldn't rest until everybody was showing signs of happiness .With that person I felt complete .A friendship that made me reborn .A reborn force inside that persuaded me to love life and live it fully.Then I guess I went overboard and ruined it all by wanting it to be more than friendship and that was the end of it all .I messed up in being happy .
Afterwards I fell into a rocky path of deception and sorrow also I was too ashamed to speak to that person, also angry at myself for not seeing all his enormous defaults.And we remained strangers to each other ,with time I've grown comfortable to speak to him again normally but I always kept it short not to fall into the same trap twice.

::I only want your happiness
Knowing, I can never be yours to share it::

I think isolation is my solution to alot of things ,among sleeping ,drawing and eating .Shure it's running away from my problems but it works .Of course I won't use it for long ,
it just helps me from being more harmed or harm others ,and I could concentrate on a real solution ,so I guess it's a solution to get solutions.
You've got to know that happiness is not an impossibility for me ,but happiness has a price to pay ,happiness could bring up all sorts of pain and a great deal of suffering .
It would mean that I would have to get my head out of the sand ,that I would have to get out of my shell ,be outgoing.But that's where I mess up all the time .Ive been told that I'm introverted many times ,and this will bring me sadness ,it has .

sadness is contagious
Came back from school ,I went there to pick u my science book and give kk the extra ticket and money back .On my way I met Christine,Lean,Lauren,Sarah,and a bunch of ppl including kk and Phil .They ALL noticed that I was having a crummy day or that something was wrong .It's great to see someone who hasn't accomodated to my mood swings .I'm not happy but at least I'll stay out of trouble and won't kill anybody .

Feel a little better ,My head hurts like hell and I have a soar throat .Yesterday I got an offer I couldn't refuse .I was desperatetly looking for a mere 20 bucks lying around in the laundry room ,Then I had a phone call from my mother's client P.She asked me if I could babysit her kids til 7 for 60 $ .She kept on calling me and raising the price telling me to come as fast as I could .
Once I got there she brought the kids out and payed me 80 dollars in advance .I was like ok thanx .Apparently she had troubles with her husband again .He was drunk and he was pushing her around ,and she didn't want the kids around .So I ended up babysitting til 7...then 7:30...8:00...10:00...11:00...Then my mom started asking me weird questions, saying it was for the social worker .My mom has growed quite used to having social workers comming around, taking the little kids she babysat away .Hopefully that won't happen here with T and F .Anyways they are still here ,asking me if theyre daddy is in jail yet ,and if they could go back home .

Yesterday night we went to see my brother break and I saw a cute breakdancer *sigh*,then we came back and saw reign of fire with Phil,it wasn't that bad ,I actually enjoyed it .The dragons were really well made *I like dragons*.Then we decided To see Sophie at wild willys and I left early because I was really cold .On my way back I was really dizzy and I kept closing my eyes and I was walking crooked ,I must of looked like a drunky .Each time I closed my eyes and opened them ,there was a new person in front of me ,like that dude Saad that appeared out of nowhere and offered me chips .And I was mumbling nonsense .
I was glad I got back home cus once I got to my room I fell asleep at once .I only woke up in the middle of the night and I was coughing like crazy .Then I went to the washroom and I coughed out blood .My dad saw and said "Yep it's time for you to see the doctors"The rest of the night was just dull cus I was either really cold or really hot .I had to close and open my window .Put on or take off my pile of blankets .Bleh.

Wonder what the worlds biggest and stinkiest flower looks like ? Go here

I think i shoukd do sumthing out of my missing archives....

My mom and Dad where fighting yesterday ,she said that we didn't like her enough ,she made this huge scene ,saying my dad was encouraging us to critisize her inuits and the way she was working .My dad never encouraged us ,he even tried to stop us .
It's hard not to complain about someone else's ways when all that someone does is complain all day long about yours,I usually wake up early ,but it's summer vacation now!How many times will I wake up at nine or ten in the morning on week days during school year?Besides if I wake up earlyier ill hear my mom complain more than usual ,or hear that crazy baby that cries all day long twice as much !She complains that I'm always at one place for a long period of time,god nabbit she also complained that I was everywhere and in her goddamn way !She doesn't want me downstairs in the morning ,she doesn't want me outside at noon ,she can't even stand having me in the same faking room !What do I do in that case?I go to my room and don't bother anyone ,but wait then madam says that I don't move enough ,true but each time I lift I finger ,my mom's annoying voice raises at me .
Starting to think of it each time she talked to me was to scream at me .Makes ME wanna leave .

I just woke up and I find all the fat babies scattered around my house *wheres jackie?*(my mom),I think she left me with the babies again wile I was sleeping and having nightmares .Last night I dreamt that I was sent to a farm place ,a hole,where I didn't know anybody and the first thing I hear when I enter the school with only one class was *congratulations for your engadgement with the cutest boy in school*I turn around and I see Andrew Keagan offering me a rose.*Arrrg*he kept on following me around and wispering in my ear *I'll give you the whole world* All the girls seemed to like him but me .It's not that he's really repulsive or anything but eh he's not exactly my first choice nor my second or third on my boy wish list ,not that I have one .*eh heh right*

Today ,my dad didn't have to work and he finally brought the winnebago in ( The camping car ) It's so cool ,I took a ride in it and I just can't wait till we really go somewhere with it! ^_^, I also got tickets to see the pope *I think* I heard he was only going to Toronto ,but if he's comming here me and Renée might be lucky enough to see him.

What kind of ANGEL are you?

Quiz made by Angela

Wow hello kitty guns?hellokitty, you don't need violence to sell !

alt="I'm DebiL!">

I really really don't like that stupid add on top of my page,it ruins everything but if I take it off It'll cost me sumthing, arg .

Last night I didn't sleep well, so I'm all grumpy .There was a bug in my room ,it wasn't a mosquito so I didn't mind it much at first but itkept going around my head and I could hear it buzzing land ,close to my head ,and I'd go crazy and toss around like a mad trompet monkey and I slapped myself five times and it would go away and come back with reinforcements,my dad got pissed at me at 2:30 of the morning for all the noise and I ended up sleeping on the couch in the living room until some traumatised baby woke me up at around 4:30 because I took her place where she'd usually sleep until her other friends came ...

I realise,right when I click republish that I don't have an archieve...ARG you brain, piss on you!! No wait,that's MY head...Arg I'll eat lot's of icecream so that you suffer from brain freeze!Niark Nirak!

I finally updated my stupid site!